... but were too afraid to ask.
In the "writers' guidelines", I note that letters, reviews, columns, horoscopes etc are suggested as suitable for submission to the dominatrix that is Newsbiscuit.
As a doctor, albeit one with little medical experience, I am often called on to advise on matters of the bedroom (office, staircase and kitchen table). Many of these queries come from men of a certain age; men who, once they have outgrown the playground sages, find they have no-one to turn to for information. The tragic demise of sexpert to the stars, Sebastian Horsley, has only added to this delicate situation.
Several such queries have been directed to me under the guise of personal messages on the Newsbiscuit site. In the interest of openness and transparency, I reprint them here, in the hope that my responses will assist other more timid members.
Q: My friend (who is a missionary) says that most sex is immoral, and unmarried sex is an abomination before the Lord. Is this the Missionary Position? (DC)
A:Yes. Indeed. However, may I suggest your friend adopts the Reverse Cowgirl and thus avoids the dirty looks.
Q: Since it's called blow job.....do you have to blow? (JB)
A: You could try. But don't expect to get a tune out of it.
Q: My Friend Ivor Biggun is having a few issues settling in. Any suggestions? (JOF)
A: Yes. He should explore the area, making a note of major landmarks. Joining a group activity is never a mistake. Classes are good. Car maintenance, cake decoration or upholstery. Something will always need stuffing.
Q: Should all orifices be made available for all purposes? (EH)
A: Call me old-fashioned, but it's only sensible to reserve some for typing, filing and shorthand.
Q: A gentleman of my acquaintance respectfully asks what is the proper post-coital etiquette ... does one fart before or after falling asleep? (O)
A: DURING coitus trumps before AND after.
Q: Should one spit or swallow? (Rik)
A: This is entirely a matter of personal taste.