Despite a former child protection manager alleging over 20 prominent ministers were serial abusers, British parents have been left distraught by the fact Michael Gove had ‘…absolutely nothing to do with it’. There are now legitimate fears that the Secretary of State for Education may be ‘here to stay’ and is now cleared to babysit your teenagers, breastfeed your infants and deliver parcels down your chimney.
What was seen as the last realistic means of getting rid of the ‘blithering toad’ is no longer a viable option, as Mr. Gove was not an MP during the period of the allegations; but was, in fact, busy failing to get a first class degree from Oxford University. Now the once utterly ridiculous concept that Mr. Gove is the ‘right man’ to run an education department is now looking increasingly plausible; as he may be the only person in Westminster capable of passing a CRB/DBS check.
Permanent secretary Mark Sedwill will face the Home Affairs Select Committee concerning two decades of allegations, but will not be quizzed about ‘…the moron at the heart of Government’. One shocked parent said: ‘Gove has been fiddling with curriculums and academies for years, I just assumed he was also fiddling with the kiddies. The thought that this man may be deliberately destroying our education system without being a pervert, beggars belief!’
Mr. Gove’s unequivocal innocence now opens the way for him ‘stay over your house on weekdays’, join you on ‘family holidays’ and for all children under the age of thirteen to call him ‘daddy’. Being beyond reproach the Secretary of State for Education will have unfettered access to all schoolchildren and will be permitted to whisper in their ears between the hours of 10pm and midnight. Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to ‘leave no stone unturned’ but conceded that there was no hope to implicate Mr. Gove. A spokesman confirmed: ‘He’s like a slow worm. He appears slimy, scares kids and crawls on his belly – but he’s ultimately harmless…provided you don’t swallow his sh@t.’