Researchers claim that wild chimpanzees have a lexicon of 66 gestures designed to explain the bewildering behaviour of America’s favourite actress, model and lush. Through a measureable system of communication, these apes are able to deconstruct ‘Mean Girls’, slurred interviews and any brooding silence in the courtroom.
In many respects Ms. Lohan is almost human in the way she communicates, or at least on par with the acting talents of James Corden. Her non-verbal communication extends to urinating into cups, posting bail and embarking on frivolous lawsuits against the makers of Grand Theft Auto V. Just like the chimp, Ms. Lohan takes small bites from leaves, exposes her buttocks and then publishes a list of her lovers on the internet to elicit sexual attention.
Though a series of signs, one Chimp was able to comment: ‘She’s not so different from us you know. She has mastered rudimentary tools, she uses sex to resolve conflict and she has a decidedly hairy back. We’ve reduced her random movements to almost 5,000 incidents of meaningful exchange. Although we were slightly nonplussed when she chose to hurl faeces with Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 5’.
Many environmentalists insist that it is cruel to keep ‘Lilo’ in captivity and that she should be released into the wild ‘…or the nearest bar’. Meanwhile chimpanzees refer to Jiggs’ subtle protrayl of Cheeta, in the Tarzan movies, as evidence that they have a more sophisticated emotional range than Ms. Lohan in ‘Freaky Friday’. A spokesman for Dr Susanne Shultz, an evolutionary biologist from the University of Manchester, said: ‘Ms. Lohan may be the missing link in the evolution of human language. Or at the very least, the link between the mouth and the anus.’