Here's my take on it...
Smoking Ban to be repealed to ease pensions crisis
Honouring its pledge to leave no avenue unexplored it the quest for spending cuts, the government has announced a controversial raft of changes to health and safety legislation designed to save on pension spending by promoting sudden death in the older generation. It is believed that by hastening the demise of as few as two million old people per year the country could soon save enough to begin replacing our ageing Trident nuclear submarine fleet, or even afford to invade another Middle-Eastern country.
A staged approach has been planned, where the first changes introduced will be those easiest to defend, such as reversing the ban on smoking for any pub that sells light ale or sherry and appointing a "lard tzar" to ensure a high-cholesterol menu for the nation's meals on wheels kitchens. The hope is that a generally unhealthy lifestyle will at go at least part way towards generating the target number of senior fatalities. "It's a sort of reverse Jamie Oliver effect," explained a government spokesman. "We're saying stuff yourself with fried food, keep puffing away on the ciggies, and don't worry too much about that new housing benefit claim."
Other proposals have been judged harder to sell to the voters, and may be introduced around the Christmas season, when the nation traditionally takes rather less notice of its older generation. Plans include the compulsory reintroduction of asbestos in the building of all new sheltered accommodation, gangs of volunteers armed with balloons to pop behind oldsters with high blood pressure and possibly the bombing of Eastbourne.
The most vocal criticism has come from animal welfare activists over a plan to allow the elderly to be hunted to death with hounds, replacing the traditional fox hunt. Roscoe Wilde, a leading satirist and old person, scathingly dismissed this plan as "the incompetent in pursuit of the incontinent."