The key topic for discussion over the next two days in Seoul is how to send an entire nation to the ‘booby hatch’. According to Beijing, under the Mental Health Act 1983 Asia is now authorised to detain 25m North Koreans for assessment. South Korea is backing the move, having become increasingly frustrated living next door to someone suffering from ‘…reality impairment and the self-awareness of a clown on a trike’.
Agreeing ‘the elevator just doesn't reach the top floor’ is just the first part of China and South Korea developing a strategy to contain those ‘kooks in the north’. Originally President Xi Jinping had hoped that North Korea would voluntarily admit themselves to a psychiatric hospital but their quixotic obsession with nuclear testing has tried China’s patience once and for all. He is now left with the compulsory option; which will initially involve chasing Kim Jong-un with a large butterfly net, a copy of the Human Rights convention and a bumper-size jar of chloroform.
Naturally, serious mental disorders and nuclear arsenals put not just North Korea’s health and safety at risk but that of others. Having been previously ‘supervised’ within the global community, it has now reached a point where Kim Jong-un cannot visit any stretch of beach without firing a dozen short-range rockets into the sea. His unhinged delight in bombing aquatic life comes from a demented belief that he is being pursued by a fictitious 10ft cod called ‘Slimy Malcolm’.
China must demonstrate any medical treatment is appropriate to the patient's mental disorder; in this case it means giving Kim Jong-un electroconvulsive therapy until he dances ‘Gangnam style’. Although the maximum period of detention is six months, some believe the whole of North Korea should be sealed in a time capsule until they have had the chance to ‘mellow’ or until ‘the apes have taken over’.