Arse-picking Wimbledon Champion, Rafa Nadal, would likely lose a rematch against Andy Murray, if it was played on a surface of melting tar, according to experts.
Tennis chiefs believe such conditions would favour Murray as he was raised in a country where tennis facilities amount to a few lines scratched across a busy side-street using a stone while your mate sits in the middle and decides whether it’s in or out or not. In these circumstances, skill level is determined not by the finesse of your backhand, but by whether you can avoid being tossed in the air like a rag doll by some c*nt in an Audi A4 before your ninth birthday.
Melting asphalt is known to impede the progress of players and ball alike and would hamper Nadal’s attempts to throw himself to the ground at the end of every match like some fucking martyr, or risk ruining his T-shirt.
Earlier today, however, Brian Walton, of the All England Tennis Club, hit back at the claims, insisting that while Nadal’s game has obvious weaknesses on certain surfaces, such as velcro and pumice, Murray’s is shit on all of them.
And Walton maintains that, regardless of the playing surface, the plucky Scottish underdog has no answer to the gobshite tactics employed by Nadal in his second round match, such as calling a time-out for an imagined injury when it looks like your serve is in danger, or stopping to tie your laces when your opponent has a break point.
Stung by this criticism, Murray is hoping to take a leaf out of the newly-crowned champion’s lexicon of cheatery by adding a new set of skills to his armoury including shouting “Plane!” when Nadal is about to serve for set point, whereupon he will point at an incoming Heathrow flight and ask Nadal “What do you reckon that is ? Could be an Easyjet judging by the orange on the tail-fin, or would you say it’s more of a reddish colour?’’ He will then seek the opinion of the empire thereby risking a code violation.
In a post-match interview yesterday former tennis ace, Sue Barker, embarrassed the Wimbledon champion by drawing attention to his frequent anal incursions and asking him ‘Did you have worms as a child?’