Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been more criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have 'advised' David Cameron. A police spokesman said, 'This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.'
Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in 'going over figures', and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for. The Foreign Office, meanwhile, have been rueing their open-door policy to the great man. Savile is thought to have 'vigorously interfered with' the hole in the centre of the Donut (as the GCHQ Cheltenham building is affectionately known by inmates).
The Ministry of Defence, in its weakened state, was also rumoured to be unable to defend itself from Savile's unsavoury and unwelcome advances. 'Philip', a young aide still traumatised, gave evidence that he had once seen Savile 'caressing the nuclear button'. He sobbed, 'It was obscene. I thought I would die. I felt I couldn't tell anyone because no-one would ever believe me.'
Scotland Yard have refused to comment on speculation that there may have been an organised ring of unelected and unqualified 'advisors', passing vulnerable PMs from one abuser to the next. The criminal advisor fraternity is thought to pre-date a 'Dodgy Dossier' incident, where the victim went on to become an abuser himself, invading entire countries.
Family and friends of David Cameron are said to be worried about his state of mind. An un-named deputy Prime Minister, who seemed on the verge of bursting into tears himself, confided, 'With Dave having such a pink, open forehead, smooth as a baby's bottom... we may never know what really happened in there.'