By popular demand, editor Rebekah Brooks will be visiting local theatres to amaze the public with her death-defying illusions, borderline perjury and concealed ‘get out of jail free’ card. With a routine that would put Dynamo to shame Brooks, a renowned escape artist, will tap dance of the head of a needle, while deleting a hard drive and only suspended from the ceiling by the disbelief of the Crown Prosecution Service.
Like Harry Houdini, Brook intends to a tour of Europe, challenging police forces to keep her locked up. However with the aid of smoke, mirrors and the ‘best legal team Mr Murdoch can buy’ she will free herself from any chains, straitjacket or suggestion that she is ‘mates with David Cameron’. A spokesman confirmed: ‘Sadly, and contrary to rumour, Mrs. Books will not be ably assisted by the lovely Andy Coulson. As Andy will now only be focusing on his on escape routine - a simple tunnelling extravaganza staged from within one of Her Majesty’s finest prisons’.
Some journalists have suggested she keeps spare skeleton keys and naked photographs of high court judges secreted about her person, to aid with her evasion. Yet, Brooks armed with no more than the ‘I know nothing, I am from Barcelona’ defence has befuddled juries with her ginger tendrils, managerial incompetence and promise of free Sky Sports. Brooks now ranks alongside some of great escape artists of the last century – including David Blaine, the occupants of Colditz and Mr. O.J. Simpson.
Ultimately Mrs. Brooks is hoping to give her name to a disclosure scheme called ‘Rebekah’s Law’. This ‘law’ will enable future residents of Chipping Norton to formally ask the police if they are living within a ten mile radius of someone who spreads hate, despair and misinformation through illicit journalism or if it is just Jeremy Clarkson writing for The Sun.