In response to the press backlash over his assertion that he had no direct link with the recent troubles in the Middle East, the former UK Prime Minister has revealed that much of his misguided foreign policy in 2003 was simply ‘an elaborate hoax’. Further to this Mr. Blair has made the audacious claim that the deceased Iraqi Dictator was ‘alive and well’ and working as a trolley attendant at his local Sainsburys. According to Blair’s accountant a ‘Mr. S. H. Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti’ has been renting his potting shed since 2006; along with a subscription to Sky Sports, an annual supply of pop tarts and limited conjugal visits with the Blair’s pet Alsatian.
Mr. Blair insisted that the whole War in Iraq had been a ‘spoof’ dreamt up by George W. Bush during an extended drinking session and swinger’s party at Camp David. The idea was to satirize the 90’s Desert Storm campaign with a ‘contemporary Sh@t Storm’. All military actions were to be faked, any evidence would be ludicrously fabricated and any hint of racism was purely ironic – as Jim Davidson would attest. A spokesman confirmed: ‘It was just a skit. A comic conceit. The kind of jape that Dom Jolly chap would have pulled…just with more laughs’.
Meanwhile, with the aid of a cattle prod and Special Brew, Mr. Blair paraded a dishevelled tramp in front of the world’s media; prompting several photographers to speculate that this was a Hussain-lookalike, an out-of-work Santa or ‘John Prescott in a beard’. Blair’s spokesman clarified the situation. ‘Linking Saddam to 9/11 or claiming he had WMDs – surely no one could have taken that seriously? Clearly it was joke. Mr. Hussain is a loveable eccentric with moderate views on ethnic cleansing - and who is looking forward to standing for UKIP at the next election’.
The revelation that ‘there was no war’ has called into question how much of the Blair Years were masquerade, urban legend or the product of a ‘Claire Short cheese dream’. The spokesman explained: ‘In 2003 Mr. Blair was approached by the distinguished film actor, Laurence Fishburne, to eat a red pill. On doing so, all reality pertaining to oil, terrorism and a catholic obsession with invading the Middle East was replaced by slow-mo cyber-punk wire-fu. No – hold on…that’s the plot of the Matrix.’