A report commissioned to examine the standard of teaching in Britain's schools has reached the scathing conclusion that "teachers are not as good as what they should be", and that "much more must, like, be done to train teachers for thier job's".
The report, instigated by the last government as part of a wide-reaching examination of the appropriateness of modern teaching methods, has taken three years to reach its conclusions, and has interviewed thousands of teachers in schools across the country.
Professor Gordon Rafferty, chairman of the report's authorship committee, spoke to journalists today of his shock at the low standards in Britain's schools. "We was gobsmacked, frankly. Only 20% of teachers were found to be performing well, the other 90% were 'poor' or 'piss poor'. This is the sort of thing that puts the UK behind higher-performing countries such as Germany and Paris".
Professor Rafferty was quick to dismiss allegations that the metrics used to measure quality could have been affected by an inherent statistical bias, pointing out that he used a calculator to do the adding up, and adding that his father had helped him with the harder sums each day when he got home from the office.
Brian Whitlow, a spokesman for NTU, the National Union of Teachers, was critical of the report's findings. "To speak of our schooling system with such disapprobation is a nonsense, a veritable effrontery," he insisted. "Our educational system is the ne plus ultra of the pedagogic world, and our teachers are beyond such pettifogging reproach. And I should know, because I is one."