"We were looking for something different in a player" said the manager "Billy gives us that"
Billy, 19, was plucked from lower league football "Yeah, I saw Rod Steiger picking up a £30m transfer only last year, but I knew I'd stand out"
The manager agreed "we see it all the time, the crosses, the Chinese symbolism, but we want to get back to the basics of football and Billy does that for us. He doesnt even have a tattoo of "Mum" on his arse."
"Sure I'd like to be the next Beckham, but love the skin you're in man, aint helping me to be a better player despite what some boys are doin"
Indeed the draw of the Premier League has run in parallel with tattoos for many years but when Jason Bowes contracted blood poisoning after having his girlfriend's name tattooed on his penis, things were always going to change. The last word is from Billy about Jason and his predicament
"Serves him right for going out with a Russian bird"