'The Chinese have absolutely nothing to fear from my lamas,' insisted Surrey farmer, Chester Rivet, 'They are all very peaceful and I deliberately keep them ignorant of international politics to avoid any trouble.'
However, the Chinese government remains unconvinced. 'The breeding of lamas is not something that we want to see,' said Chinese Foreign Minister, Yang Jiechi, 'They might seem innocent enough grazing in a field in Hazlemere. But what happens if they escape? Before you know it they will be running round the world demanding a free Tibet.'
Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, is still holding out for a compromise: 'We are currently looking at the possibility of cross breeding the Dalai Lama with the more docile Panchen Lama,' he said hopefully. However, early attempts to get them to mate are proving difficult since each lama refuses to recognise the other.
The issue is made all the more sensitive because we are right in the middle of the lama-ing season. 'So far we have seen a number of live lama births,' said Kate Humble, presenter of BBC 2's Lama-ing Live, 'if only the Chinese could just hold one of these beautiful baby lamas in their hands, then I really think that they would change their minds.'
'Lama farms are crucial to the spiritual well being of the world,' said actor and deeply profound man, Richard Gere, 'all my jumpers are made from lama wool and drinking their holy milk imbues me with a wonderful sense of transcendental calm.'
Hopes of a diplomatic solution were beginning to fade last night as the Chinese issued the British Government with an ultimatum: 'either close the farm or allow it to be annexed by the People's Republic.'
'We can’t just stand by and watch this happen' said Mr Miliband, 'I for one intend to shut my eyes and hope the whole thing just goes away.'
