Terror gripped the streets of Mosul as word spread that the President of the ‘Fédération Internationale de Football Association’ (FIFA), or the ‘Quatari Savings and Loan Company’ as it is now known, may soon be replaced. Against a backdrop of sectarian violence, Mr. Blatter was seen as a symbol of hope, unity and an unwavering commitment to football tournaments occurring in deserts.
Mr. Blatter is respected the world over (provided you just count the votes of FIFA delegates) as the scourge of all shirtless footballers, accurate accounting and homosexual activity. A regular target for FIFA's Ethics Committee and the Council of Europe, he is no stranger to allegations of monetary mismanagement but as a Swiss national, he comes from a country whose own financial propriety cannot be questioned.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki has been forced to ask parliament to declare a state of emergency, having previously backed Mr. Blatter’s plans for female footballers to ‘wear tighter shorts’, ‘low cut shirts’ and ‘smell like Cristiano Ronaldo’. Meanwhile Islamist militants have now taken control of Mosul, demanding ‘improved goal line technology’.
Michael van Praag, boss of the Dutch Football Association, has urged Mr. Blatter to resign after 16yrs of presidency – and ‘worse PR than John Terry’. A spokesman for FIFA said: ‘Mr. Blatter is being unfairly targeted by racists – or members of Interpol’s fraud squad if you want specifics. For the people of Mosul, I urge you stay in your homes. Mr. Blatter was able to solve on-field racism with a handshake, so we are sure the same technique will work with any jihadist that burst through your door armed with a gun, an irrational hatred of western civilisation and a disregard for the offside rule’.