Although the Home Secretary is yet to approve their use, London has purchased a trio of water cannons designed to relive the capital of unpleasant faecal impaction – or in laymen’s terms ‘six years of Boris as mayor’. These enema treatments are much swifter than traditional laxatives such as elections; and it is hoped that the Mayor will be the first to experience a high-velocity stream of water. One police officer explained: ‘Think of Mr. Johnson as an unwanted piece of sweetcorn. At best he’s an irritant, at worst he’s a blockage to the body politic’.
There are concerns that the improper administration of a water cannon enema can result in bowel rupture or some hellish fusion between Richard Hammond’s ‘Total Wipeout’ and the 1970’s ‘It’s A Knockout’. Stephen Greenhalgh, Deputy Mayor for Policing, authorised the purchase but hoped to allay fears of misuse with promises of future ‘water balloons, fun slides and squirt guns’. One nervous Londoner commented: ‘Please remember, Northern Ireland is the only part of the UK where water cannons are legal – and Belfast is famed for its measured policing and respect of human rights. Boris has proven it takes a giant douchebag to order three giant douches.’
The police have been quick to point out that purchasing reconditioned cannons is a saving of £840,000 per unit, although they are less confident about the hygiene levels of ‘second-hand enemas’. Meanwhile a spokesmen for Mr. Johnson insisted that the Mayor has: ‘…every intention of clinging to London’s rectum for as long as possible. It will take more than a jet of water to dislodge M. Johnson from the capital’s anus.’
London Assembly member, Joanne McCartney, was said to be ‘deeply concerned’ that the cannons could be used to subdue riots, cynically circumvent hose-pipe bans or be the cause of extreme Wet T Shirt competitions. The Mayor's Office confirmed: ‘London’s streets and colons will experience high-pressured irrigation. Mr. Johnson has made it clear that there is only room for one stubborn turd in London’s glistening poop shoot’. The spokesmen insisted each cannon had a five year expectancy but only if Mr. Johnson remembered to ‘use the lubricated nozzle’.