The Prime Minister has pledged his 'unequivocal support' for under-fire Education Secretary Michael Gove's plans to introduce new publicly funded faith schools to promote the teachings of Saint Margaret of Grantham. A controversial figure, her brand of political fundamentalism has been followed religiously within the Conservative Party for the last forty years, it's main tenets being:
Hatred of the poor and needy
Primacy of the free market above all else
Mandatory reference to the Germans as 'Krauts' and the French as 'Froggy Bastards'
Learning specific lessons from the saint's life, such as 'If it's going badly, you can always start a war'
That businessmen are always right and Trade Unions are suspicious busy-bodies who are just on the make
Aside from the obvious criticisms that the Government are politicising the curriculum, others have noted that these schools are simply the first step in opening the entire system up to attacks from Tory fundamentalism. Leaked memos from privately funded St. Margaret-based faith schools already in existence have already talked about looking to introduce a new religion-based class, focused on the spreading of Tory values, into the wider curriculum at local levels. This has alarmed teachers in the Eton area, with the policy being referred to by local Labour councillors as a 'Trojan Horse' strategy in a letter to OFSTED. On top of a condensed programme of Saint Margaret's 'good works', the lessons would also include a 'Three Minute Hate' every day, dedicated to a top Labour Politician or Trade Unionist, as well as watching a homeless person slowly starve in a spiked corner of the room, to demonstrate the importance of being a 'hard-working tax-payer'. When asked to confirm or deny the policy, a government spokesman said, 'It sounds like us, doesn't it?'
Defending both the school and the new lessons, Mr. Gove claimed that 'Tory values are British values. We have been entrusted, not only with the running of the country, but with it's moral upkeep. The ideas of love, care and affection are alien to the way of Saint Margaret and the British way of life; they will not be tolerated in this country. Why should the hardworking people of Britain give their love away for nothing, whilst the recipients get a free ride? We want to see children taught the importance of market values in affection, and if people refuse to pay for it monetarily, then they should be in no doubt that this is antithetical to British culture and must be stopped before it leads to radical acts of selflessness and love'. When asked whether it was valid to just be nice to someone without expecting something in return, Mr. Gove claimed that this exemplified the 'something for nothing' culture that had grown up under Labour. 'In the old stories about when Saint Margaret pulled a thorn from the Lion's paw, did not the Lion immediately hand over his credit card? To have done otherwise would have meant being shot immediately by the poachers the Good Lady had arranged to be present. Make no mistake, that Lion represented the lionhearted British way and we intend to make sure that as many children in this country benefit from his example'.
Labour figures were contacted to comment but were unavailable, as a spokesman said that they were 'digging a ditch in which to die'.