Bacon is to become England’s official ‘World Cup Hangover’ sponsor, beating off other market leaders to land the coveted prize.
Rashers of bacon were chosen ahead of other big name brands such as Paracetamol and Alka Seltzer as England’s ‘go to’ remedy for stupidly excessive alcohol intake.
The English FA say that having the bacon rasher as England’s official hangover cure avoids arbitrary arguments between fans over things like brand loyalty, speed and efficiency of cure and overall cost.
Comatose England fans say pharmaceutical remedies are all very well but they do not posses the same mystical healing powers as a humble bacon rasher marinating in a bed of HP sauce.
Nobody has ever woken up in a shopping trolley or on a park bench and immediately craved an aspirin. For most naked hangover sufferers waking up at mid-day tied to a lamp-post in the high street, the first thing they think about is a juicy bacon sandwich....and a distant second they think what the fuck did those bastards do with my underpants and socks.
‘Everybody has an opinion on the best over-the-counter remedy for the common hangover. Some people argue in favour of pain-killers, some take soluble aspirin while others favour something to settle the stomach. But just about everyone agrees that a freshly made bacon sandwich is best for helping you tackle those post match blues. The smell of a distant bacon sandwich gives you something to cling to, gives you belief that there is still a reason for living, hope for the future....a paracetamol can never do that.
FA chairman Greg Dyke says there are useful guidelines on the FA website on how to make the perfect post session pick-me-up.
‘Hungover England fans will be able to choose from a drop down menu on our website....offering alternatives such as crusty cob, granary baguettes, artisan breads or simply ‘slice-of-white’ sandwiches. There’s something to suit every alcohol fuelled condition....whether it’s a lager induced nausea, an excess of absinthe based cocktails, that 4th bottle of red wine or a blinding session on the home brew....there’s a bacon related cure to suit all physical and mental conditions. Although we would advise cider drinkers to either visit their nearest A&E following the final whistle or simply carry on drinking until the tournament is over’.
It is important to get the meat/fat/gristle ratio right but other than that it is up to the individual’ added Dyke ‘some football fans prefer the rind left on, others prefer the hair and skin removed, some like their bacon abattoir fresh while others like it crisp, some like grilled while others like it fried and served with eggs, fried tomatoes or black pudding....there are no hard and fast rules where the flesh of a recently butchered pig is concerned.
Just remember to eat responsibly'.
It needs tidying up as ever...but here are some random thoughts.