While current theories in ‘hominin evolution’ suggest beefy facial features were a defence against fist fights; biologists also believe early man needed to ‘pulverise’ purposely annoying cavemen in order to keep warm during the Ice Age. Anthropologists, Theresa May and ‘all children of school age’ have reached the same scientific conclusion that the Secretary of State for Education has procured, over time, a physiognomy that ‘demands’ to be beaten by palm, sheep’s bladder or ‘sock filled with manure’.
Prof David Carrier, in the journal Biological Reviews, argues that certain primitive faces were deliberately provocative to encourage others ‘to take a pop’ at them. One scientist explained: ‘The best way to generate heat is to raise your metabolic rate. Repeatedly slapping a smug, self-satisfied, mug allows a controlled outlet for aggression and the cathartic quality of hitting a moron. Mr. Gove’s visage causes as much primal irritation as gorilla forced to wear a thong’.
Unfortunately, David Cameron’s recent insistence that Mr. Gove apologise ‘for being Michael Gove’ may go against natural selection. By nullifying the public’s normal target for their anger, the Prime Minister may have inadvertently provoked social unrest. One voter complained: ‘We need to know that in periods of stress, ministers like Mr. Gove are willing to take one on the chin. If he keeps going around saying sorry I’m going to have to go back to kicking the dog, donating to UKIP and using Caps-Lock on twitter’.
Even Mr. Gove’s wife admits he ‘just has one of those faces’. Human and ancestral skull reconstructions reveal a facial shape that is 17% Ex-journalist, 26% Private school boy and 57% tw@t. Apologising could deprive us of a favourite ‘political Aunt Sally’; although parents are still advised to fashion piñatas to resemble the Secretary of State to entertain their heavily armed but woefully ill-educated offspring. Although one creationist school argues: ‘Evolution is just a theory. Whereas if you wanted incontrovertible proof of the existence of God – just hit Michael Gove will a polo mallet’.