OFSTED inspectors have slammed more than 1,000 schools for spreading ‘Anglican Fundamentalism’ throughout Britain. It is believed that the English education system was infiltrated 150 years ago by hard-line Anglicans.
“Anglicans believe in, erm, that’s a good question”, a vicar explained. “We don’t really have beliefs as such, more a sense of decorum and a natural affinity with the olden days. Like that Yorkshire Tea advert. Or the Conservative Party. The main thing is that we’re not Catholics”. This is the official viewpoint. I soon discovered a more disturbing side to this religion.
The so-called ‘Anglicans’ attend their own schools, where children as young as 5 are forced to wear a paramilitary uniform of bright blue or red jumper sporting the ‘cross’ – an ancient religious symbol. Children are taught marching songs such as “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam” or the sinister “Kum Ba Yah”. There are persistent rumours of Bible study, though Ofsted inspectors couldn’t find any hard evidence of this.
I visited an Anglican ghetto. All seems normal, until you look beneath the surface. A hand-painted sign led me to the playing fields behind a primary school, where Anglicans were practising pre-Christian pagan rituals – dancing around a pole, ‘crowning’ a pre-pubescent girl – in scenes reminiscent of the film The Wicker Man. Copies of the Daily Mail were openly being read. “I think it’s trying to rain”, somebody said. I panicked – what code was this? Are these people animists? “Yes”, I replied , ”and the crops desire a sacrifice”. She gave me a strange look, but I was able to make my escape.
Ofsted has called for the faith schools to be taken into special measures. I say, burn them. Burn them all, before they rise up and overwhelm us with their jam scones and tombola.