Inner city gangs are increasingly eschewing dangerous dogs as status symbols for so-called 'trophy wives', the latest crime statistics have revealed.
According to one Brixton community support officer, this latest trend is an example of the continuing evolution of the average street gangs' arsenal of weaponry. 'When law-enforcement agencies stamped out knife crime these thugs turned to bull terriers and the like, but with new dangerous dog legislation in the pipeline, any gang member worth his salt nowadays will more than likely have an overly tanned dolly bird to defend his turf.'
Doctor's surgeries and drop-in clinics throughout Britain's less affluent areas have reported a sharp rise in suspicious injuries among attractive, recently married young women. 'We see dozens every day,' one health professional revealed, 'each bearing the same tell-tale scratches, bite marks and bald patches where their hair has been pulled. But as most of them are brought in by mother or sister-in-laws, we're rarely able to prosecute the owners.'
Experts believe that the problem is being exacerbated by the amount of eligible women flooding the black market following the recent collapse of the WAG trade. 'Being a footballer's wife isn’t the big thing it once was,' explained a leading sociologist, 'after going through the team like a dose of salts, WAGs are being dumped by players before the tabloids get wind of what's going on - it's only natural that these abandoned creatures seek the company of other thugs.'
'You gotta get yourself a woman innit? You ain't nuffink unless you've got a missus protecting you.' Notorious gang member 'X-Boi' told a newspaper reporter recently. 'It's for protection yeah? If some guy comes up tryin' to muscle in, you set the wife on 'im. Tell her it was 'im wot nicked her Dolce an' Gabbana handbag an' pawned it for money to buy skunk, an' watch her fly! Plus you get a great shag afterwards - you wouldn't get that wiv no pit bull!'