After twelve hours of labor, local teen Erica Jenson released a statement expressing severe dissatisfaction with the appearance of her newborn, yet to be named.
“I was going to name her Hilde, but you’ve got to be real pretty to pull that off. I was kind of banking on my girl being a 10. Right now, it’s hard for me to decide what name goes with that face.”
The father of the child is reportedly at work, and not looking forward to seeing his kid. Unconfirmed sources are mostly certain that this is due to reports about the baby’s looks.
On-duty nurses say that the baby looks relatively normal, and hint that Erica is being harsh on her spawn.
“Honestly, it looks just like Ms. Jenson,” says one nurse.
The child in question weighs seven pounds, three ounces at the time of this publication, but Jenson insists that she looks much heavier. Among the mother’s growing concerns are the size of her daughter’s ankles, cheeks, and belly, the last of which is completely obscuring the child’s rib cage. Jenson is refusing to breastfeed until the diet pills she has been consuming covertly kick in.
“I want my baby girl to have a happy, normal life, and that starts with me. If I have to pick up extra shifts at the bowling alley, I will do it. No child should have to go through their youth with that nose.”
Keep posted for updates about newborn's yet-established self-esteem, predicted to dive to unprecedented levels.