Ryanair’s planned introduction of vertical seating has failed to capture the public’s imagination after it has been revealed that the bargain tickets involve passengers swinging from nooses positioned above the aisle.
The new sales strategy to maximise the aircraft’s passenger capacity is seen by the company as the logical next step in its company mission to create the ultimate soul-destroying flying experience.
The beta testing of the idea centred on capturing the negative experience of the seated customer when expected to endure a two hour flight; the first ten minutes of which involved being randomly kicked in the face by hanging victims struggling for weight support, followed by one hour and fifty minutes of watching the now dead victims sway rhythmically whilst trying to ignore the odour of their moment-of-death self-soiling episode.
A test subject’s comment that the hanged victims were ‘the lucky ones’ is believed to be responsible for the bold marketing step of actually charging customers for occupying the nooses. Whilst bookings for noose class are slow to take off, Ryanair remains confident through years of experience that there is no risk or punishment some Britons will not endure to get to Malaga for under forty quid.