A covert operation inside the beard of Bob Bergdahl senior, father to the recently released POW Bob Bergdahl has been launched by the CIA, say leaked emails. According to the emails the CIA set up a safe house and three observation posts in the beard, which also has the hidden capacity to launch surface to air missiles. The CIA issued a statement saying that it does not comment on leaked information or privately grown facial hair. But the statement conceded the beard had come ‘within strategic distance of the President of the USA and it was its military duty to keep the President safe from ‘close shaves with potential assassins’.
A Washington Post editorial pointed out the beard tally heavily favoured the Taliban, with five massively dangerous black and white beards being released in order for one red beard to be photographed on a face at the White House.
Meanwhile Fox TV issued a statement saying ‘Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if this was like a plot device for the next series of Homeland? Or we let it believed that to be the case? Hear me out on this. I mean, all the critics complained that the last series was implausible. But look at the beard on that guy! And he’s for real!!! Unbelievable or what! And they let him shake hands with Obama! If that guy and that beard had been shown at the White House in series 3 the TV critics would have howled ‘in your dreams’!
The statement continued 'Like we’re not saying this whole story has been thought up by our scriptwriters, but think about it, dude. Suppose the rumour got out that this beard thing was a stunt. Maybe a CIA stunt, to regain credibility after the total destruction of Langley in episode 7! Deep trailer voice: ‘One man’s beard stands between the security of the free world and oblivion. Counterintuitive or what! This reverses everyone’s beard-expectations from the get-go. Never mind if we killed off the British guy. His beard always looked a little fake any way. Can you not see where I’m going with this? It's life imitating art, but with huge beards! American beards!..No, wait, this is better: Let’s issue a statement DENYING the beard is like anything to do with the new series. We're Fox, yeah? Who's gonna believe us?'