Government analysts have warned that the lack of news about hikes in petrol prices can only lead to more news about hikes in petrol prices...and that’s bad news for everyone. ‘Moreover, the old adage, no news is good news, is old news; it’s simply outdated and misleading to say the least.’ Professor Geoff Dragon stated. ‘If there’s no news, then surely the bastards are thinking up some new atrocity,’ Dragon stated shortly before his sacking.
Replacement government analyst Professor Shelia Goode added, ‘There’s simply no news because the petrol producing nations fully understand the harsh economic realities for people out there. There wasn’t a hike in prices yesterday, there wasn’t a hike today and there won’t be one tomorrow.’ When asked about the day after tomorrow, armed guards suddenly appeared and escorted the press from the building.
The lack of news is also being blamed for the current spat between petrol companies and major supermarkets, who haven’t had any news about panic buying since the winter floods. ‘Why should they grab all the headlines about not being in the headlines when we haven’t had any headlines for way longer,’ one food industry specialist stated. Meanwhile, the stand-off has lead to confusion amongst shoppers over why the two services aren’t in the papers. In Bolton, a confused shopper filling up at a petrol station owned by a major supermarket went beserk, killing three people with a bucket of sand and a handful of ultra-thin, see-through gloves. Whilst in London, the capital’s papers are supporting the protests, by both parties, by printing blank front pages to mimic the lack of news about petrol hikes and panic buying.‘We’ve never seen anything like it. Well, apart from the lack of news about floods that’s about to hit any week now,’ an editor from one of the biggest selling newspapers yelled.
The government have now placed Britain’s essential services on sky-blue alert, warning that if the current lack of news continues, there may have to be more cuts, especially the type that make good headlines.