Gwyneth Paltrow has been shipped to Afghanistan after carelessly using an analogy, in the latest ruling of the new crowd-sourced sentencing system. In a costly blunder, Ms. Paltrow used a hyperbolic analogy to describe receiving insults online, using war to describe dehumanization. The mere mention of “war” sealed her fate with members and supporters of the armed forces, who sentenced her to six months’ service on the front lines of Helmand, Afghanistan’s bloodiest province. The American actress, 41, is to receive no military training and will be patrolling tracks riddled with improvised explosive devices and engaging jihadists in deadly combat.
The new global legislation is designed to penalise celebrities who use hyperboles, analogies and metaphors by making them experience the scenarios first hand. Comments on social media in response to any such faux pas are gathered by police and the most popular punishment is delivered by a magistrate on behalf of the public. Attention is now shifting to Chalrize Theron, who is awaiting trial for a flippant comment that could see her locked in a cell with convicted sex offenders.
The hearings have sparked fears in Hollywood, where rumours that British actor Gerard Butler has been complaining about the heat have prompted a campaign to have him extradited to Brunei. Meanwhile in Ocala, Florida, John Travolta’s misjudgment of his appetite could see him force-fed a horse.
However, loopholes in the flawed system have led to instances of revenge prosecutions from the celebrity community. In a dramatic turn of events that some have described as tit-for-tat finger-pointing, an aspiring young rapper from Lewisham, on record exaggerating how much money he has, is to be moved into a £4 million mansion and given a butler.
The lack of clarity surrounding crowd-sourced sentencing remains a contentious issue. Liberals warn that some may be abusing the system by grossly exaggerating people’s comments in order to expedite prosecution and encourage harsher penalties. Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was unable for comment as he is currently in detention at Berlin’s Berghain nightclub, after stating in 2010 that gay couples attempting to book rooms at B&Bs are likely to molester the landlord.