Jamie Oliver has created World cup snacks that can be conveniently enjoyed while staring open mouthed at widely predicted genocidal pandemonium in Brazil. Launching his new recipe, he said: ‘Here’s the trouble with soft, mushy food like omelettes when you’re watching penalty shoot-outs. Or shoot-outs between protestors and Brazilian militia. It falls out of the mouth when you go all slack-jawed as events unfold, with some reports containing disturbing images. It’s not the kind of snack you want to digest while watching dissent ripple across South America with shock waves resonating among the world’s disadvantaged soccer fans, like Milwall or Leeds. The whole thing could kick off before kick off, if you see where I'm going with that.’
The cheeky chef continued: ‘As I say, with some mushy soccer-watching snacks you’re left with egg on your face, egg on your England shirt and egg on the sofa. Next thing you notice is waves of protest as the Mrs advances with a damp cloth and a threatening finger over the TV off switch.’
Oliver has created one central finger food, themed for the host country, Brazil. ‘Nuts - it’s all gonna go Brazil nuts one way or the other, and my nutty snacks make convenient eating, whether you’re England get hammered by Bosnia-Hercegovina, Italy in a strop over moisturising facilities at barely finished stadiums, favelas being heartlessly flattened on Al Jazeera by army tanks or Roy Hodgson’s resignation ceremony.’
In the introduction to the book, the first to combine quick-cook recipes and geopolitical analysis, Oliver writes: These little beauties are firm, see? As firm as the England Squads’s little-talked-about team of security guards. These fellas are hand picked fighters, keeping our boys and their wives, girlfriends and happy-go-lucky female tango-partners safe 24/7. They’re big ex SAS men, attracted by the region’s reputation for free for all violence, big juicy steaks and big exotic prostitutes.’ Oliver has already supplied the whole squad with the hi-calorie easy-to-eat snacks.
Controversially the nutty bars will also be made available for purchase on the streets of Brazil for fans, protestors and militias alike. He goes on to promise it will be possible to subsist on ‘these little monkeys’ over long periods of watching, playing, fighting or torture. It's understood match referees have been advised to bodily secrete specially shaped (and hermetically wrapped) versions of the snack, in case of kidnap.
‘No mouth leakage, no annoying crumbs or stains, and therefore back at home, no grief from Mrs Soccer fan’ promises Oliver. ‘So no problemo if you and she fancy a bit of World Cup Willy during the duller games, or after England have been evacuated on the advice of the Foreign Office, or during long bouts of gloomy analysis by World Correspondent John Simpson’