EU Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso has admitted to journalists that most of the decisions made by the EU are now designed with the sole purpose of winding up UKIP leader Nigel Farage. ‘Ever since his rant against Herman van Rompuy a few years ago we’ve been getting together to come up with bigger and better ways of getting a reaction from him’ he explained. ‘It’s hilarious. He’s so gullible. We only have to mention the words ‘free movement’ and he’s off again. We spend most of our time in debates these days wetting ourselves.’
He went on to express his pleasure that even more UKIP MEPs will be serving in Brussels following last week’s elections. ‘It’s brilliant news’ he beamed. ‘They’re all almost as easy to wind up as him. I’m so looking forward to coming up with something they all get hot under the collar about. It’ll be hilarious. I’ll film it on my camera and post it on YouTube. Of course, Nigel’s the master, but his minions are almost as funny.’
Barroso revealed that a whole raft of rumoured EU proposals were made up just to annoy UKIP. ‘Straight bananas – that was the classic, but there have been loads of others too: renaming sausages ‘offal tubes’; banning firemen’s poles. We even let Neil Kinnock join us just to piss British right wingers off.’
The pro-EU centre-left bloc is now scheduling a series of meetings over the next couple of weeks to come up with a new blueprint for winding up Farage. ‘He thinks it’s business-as-usual, but it’s nothing of the sort’ said Barroso. ‘We recognise that the British voters expect us to pull his whiskers to an even greater level than ever before, so we’re going all-out to make him apoplectic within weeks. Watch out for our plans to build the official EU asylum seekers camp in Downe, and our scheme to ban drinking real-ale in public places.’
The cornerstone of EU policy though appears to be a plan for all publicly funded TV stations such as the BBC to voice all programmes in French as well as English, like at the Eurovision Song Contest. ‘I can’t wait for him to watch Eastenders/Estarrondissementers with all of their depressing drivel repeated in French. The One Show / L’Exposition Une could also get a reaction, as could Newsnight / La Nuit Actualite’ grinned Barroso.