Abdul Fattah al-Sisi has won an overwhelming victory in Egypt's general election, becoming the Pharaoh of Egypt for the next of 4,000 years.
The former military chief comes to power at a time of uncertainty in Egyptian politics following two military coups, after which it was decided that a return to the dynastic system offered the most stable form of government for the forthcoming centuries, with elections to be held every epoch (results subject to the divine right of kings).
Fattah al-Sisi, now to be referred to as ‘Eternal Monarch and Spiritual Intermediary to the Gods of Fire, Music and Horses’, was elected on a platform of more pyramids, an immediate return an arable bartering system and being the son of Ra. It is thought the government will also introduce hieroglyphics as the country’s official language, a massive increase in current sphinx production, and a strict crackdown on those not walking in a ‘two-dimensional manner’.
The new leader will be anointed in a three-month long ceremony, commencing on Thursday with the live burial of the former government and their advisors in a special pyramid built for the occasion. Until the new overlord officially takes to the throne, the country will continue to be governed by an interim pharaoh.
‘This is a great turning-point for our country’, the government’s newly-appointed Chief Oracle told us. ‘Our forefathers built one of the world’s first great civilisations using only whips. This is exactly this kind of ‘can-do’ attitude we aim to promote.’