Returning from his recent tour of the Midlands, the Prime Minister told reporters waiting for him outside 10 Downing Street that it was the best safari he'd ever been on.
"On my last day up there I met this bandy-legged little fellow who works in something called 'a factory'. That was simply terrific because it meant I managed to bag all of the 'Big Six' before my time in the dark heart of England came to an end. I've ticked them all off in my little notebook, look. I've bagged 'angry nurse', 'racist dinner lady', 'bigoted pensioner', 'scrounging single mother on benefits' and the increasingly rare 'fiercely conservative working class man'. It's all been tremendous fun."
When he wasn't ticking off awful people in his little book, the prime minister took time out to visit a Sure Start centre in Leicester.
"Oh that was jolly good fun," he laughed. "The children were clambering all over the adults in the most energetic fashion. That's all the more remarkable when you consider that these feral little creatures live on nothing but mechanically-recovered frozen chicken scraps because their parents spend most of the child benefit money on super strength cider and fruit machines. The whole scene was very similar to visiting the Monkey House at London Zoo. Marvellous!"
The Prime Minister told reporters that he is thoroughly looking forward to visiting the cruel wasteland his advisors call 'the North' for the forthcoming general election campaign.
"I'm reliably informed that if I'm quiet and keep out of sight, I may witness the spectacle of two fully grown males covered in scars and tattoos having a fight in a pub car park over a woman with no teeth. I can barely contain my excitement."
