Senior police officers representing the once powerful Police Federation will be required to dress up as little girls, dance to Olivia Newton John Records, and fight each other until only one remains standing, the Home Secretary told an aghast conference of senior officers.
‘Some of you will be required to swallow large quantities of hard boiled eggs and cream crackers while being interviewed by Graham Norton. Others will be required to talk on Just a Minute on the subject of the way they feel about their nipples.’
Teresa May’s no-nonsense demands come after it was revealed that the Police Federation had set out to topple the Conservative Government after a pay dispute, by selling forged pictures of the government’s pants, complete with humorous captions, to the remains of the Murdoch press. But the Federation was caught red handed with a smoking gun. The Federation tried to conceal the facts from the media by murdering a news vendor, only to find it had shot itself in the foot, although how the gun was found twenty five yards from the foot is still unexplained. It then emerged that the Federation was plotting to allege, falsely, that Boris Johnson had expressed a desire to urinate on Liverpool fans, ruining the London Mayor’s chances of ever going to a Premiership match or becoming King.
Meanwhile, Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Bernard Haagen Dasz, who gave up a valuable ice cream legacy to take the job, denied a conflict of interest related to police enquiries into the Mr Deputy Chief Whippee franchise. Mr Deputy Chief Whippee is being investigated over his monopoly on the sale of ice cream in both houses of Parliament. One source close to Sir Bernard says the Met boss thinks ‘this disgusting squirty white stuff so many Tories like to swallow shows just how low our politicians will stoop to maintain power over the police force. I for one will be visiting Max Clifford to see whether he has any William Hague stories to throw into the mix. Max could well be out before Christmas if he knows what's good for him.’