Two hundred and fifty schoolgirls face an uncertain future this morning after being abducted by the paramilitary wing of the National Union of Teachers. Worried parents besieged St Mary’s High School in Northampton after a group opposed to Michael Gove’s education reforms put their daughters on ‘mass detention’.
Experts fear groups such as the NUT have become increasingly radicalised since the Education Secretary threatened to shorten the summer holiday allowance from six weeks to five and a half. They highlight an earlier incident in which splinter group, the NASUWT, interrupted a PTA meeting with sporadic bursts of gunfire.
TV cameras picked up the terrified faces of girls pressed against classroom windows before they were pulled away by bearded men wearing corduroy. The group have dubbed themselves Boko Haram Masala, meaning ‘Western Education is forbidden throughout the months of July and August.”
Police, meanwhile, are negotiating with the faction’s leader, Music teacher Michael Hams, known affectionately to the pupils as “Bummer”. Hams is said to have snapped when pupils made a humming noise as he outlined the difference between a crochet and a quaver. The 42 year-old says he is prepared to pay the ultimate sacrifice if their demands aren’t met, such as firing off a really angry letter to The Guardian.
‘We all realise the pressure teachers are under, and that fourteen weeks paid holiday a year, not to mention bank holidays, in no way compensates them for the challenges they face,’ said Police Negotiator Alex Feather. “Let's not forget the amount of free time devoted to preparing lessons, especially the labour-intensive five minutes each class spent removing chalk from the blackboard."
Last night, the two sides inched closer together after Hams agreed to release Mandy Coster,12, from the store cupboard. “Anyone who thinks teaching is easy is talking out their arse,’ Hams told us. “Not everybody is Robin fucking Williams.”