In a surprise move today, the British Broadcasting Corporation issued a statement in which it told the Government that “….having done all we can to protect our independence from the attacks of the tabloid press and governments of the day over the last 60 years, we had a meeting yesterday where we decided that we just couldn’t be arsed to carry on. We have quite a bit of other people’s money in the bank, and what with the royalties from all those Doctor Who DVDs we have decided to get out kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames”. The statement lapsed into reminiscing about how The Doors were a good band but Oliver Stone was a disappointing director before resuming with “We’ve just destroyed the pension scheme so as to set an example to the public sector, and if that wasn’t bad enough, put that gay bloke from Hollyoaks in charge of Eastenders. What more do they want?”
Threats to restore public service broadcasting include remaking the entire series of Wednesday Plays under the banner “Mary Whitehouse? Who the fuck does she think she is?”, although there may not be enough money to get Newman and Baddiel to present it. It is hoped rumours of reviving Eldorado are wide of the mark.
Analysts think that with the security measures around Television Centre it could be many months before the situation can be resolved. A police spokesman said “They are threatening to bring back Top of the Pops, and we may have to bring in the Army now to restore the status quo”.