One of the first proposals to be agreed under the Coalition Governments new Biodiversity-offsetting scheme is the recreation of a better Isle of Wight in London. Under Biodiversity-offsetting rules, developers will have to militate against unavoidable habitat loss, by recreating the impacted habitats elsewhere. Demolition of the original Isle of Wight, will allow for a new South coast super-port. Once completed, facsimiles of much valued original habitats; Blackgang Chine, The Needles, Bembridge Lifeboat Station, etc. will be recreated on a former council estate in the capitol.
Peter Guff from Cash-cow and Pauper, the developers behind the plans, welcomed the news, saying “you can’t make an omelette without bribing a few chickens.” While DEFRA Secretary of State Owen Partisan added that “offsetting the Isle of Wight to London would improve the lives of all those people who, once a year, face an awful journey to the south coast for Cows week sailing regatta.”
Another proposed scheme would open up some 200 square miles of uncultivated brown-field land to overseas housing investment. Proposals for the site, an underutilised former Royal hunting ground known locally as the New Forest, would see Biodiversity-offsetting undertaken in the least wooded English County of Cambridge. Julian Trumpet, Liberal Democrat MP for Cambridge, welcomed the plans saying “the benefits to Cambridge would be some wonderful second-hand trees and some lovely spikey bushes.” He also added that as part of the offsetting plans “hundreds of little grumpy ponies [would also be] free to roam Cambridge city centre.”
In another soon to be green lighted proposal, forming part of the controversial HS2 rail link between London and the Middle Ages. Biodiversity-offsetting would see some 300 square miles of the Chiltern Hills excavated into dumper-trucks, driven some 150 miles, before finally being landscaped along the Norfolk and Suffolk coastline. It is hoped that this outline mitigation plan would have three effects; protect the Chilterns Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, by moving in out of harm’s way; placate NIMBY fears that HS2 would spoil peoples’ views of the Chilterns, by removing the Chilterns from peoples’ view; and finally, to provide a much needed 46 mile long and 800 feet high boost to England’s East-coast sea defences.
Labour leader Ed Milibland, when pushed for his opinion on the these new Biodiversity-offsetting proposals, said “the cost of living crisis is a real cost of living crisis, like no other crisis on living ever seen in my lifetime before now.” When asked for her thoughts on these outline proposals, Green MP Caroline ludicrous simply told us to “Frack Off.”