The UN today were poised to intervene after yet another atrocity in the case of the missing Nigerian schoolgirls. 'The situation simply cannot be allowed to continue', stated a UN spokesman, not normally accustomed to being direct.
Public outrage at being subjected to David Cameron earnestly exhorting the return of 'our girls' and the President of the United States claiming to be 'heartbroken' over his morning muffin is said to be far outstripping the moral objection to the original abduction.
Nigel Farage has been adding to the confusion by waving a '#SendThemBack' banner, without clarifying who he actually means. Boris Johnson, meanwhile, is remaining 'tight-lipped' re allegedly ordering several pairs of '#BringBackOurGirls' underpants.
President Putin has offered tanks and troops in case any armed intervention is required to subdue rebel politicians hell-bent on committing nauseating hashtag atrocities. General Leonid Ivashov stated, 'The president has asked me to convey that, such hypocrisy cannot be tolerated. We were willing to award ten Eurovision points to a not-gay-bearded-lady-in-a-dress, but nil points to Cameron doing that hashtag bollocks.'