Scientists at Highgrove Research Labs are hopeful of Nobel recognition for their pioneering work in the relief of global Royal baby deficiency. Building on last year’s perfection of techniques to grow a steak from cells on a lattice, the boffins have been able to introduce Royal DNA and produce a perfect baby Windsor, complete with close-set eyes and a sense of God-given prerogative.
“Local reaction to William and Kate’s recent gruelling holiday in New Zealand showed us that there is immense enthusiasm throughout the Commonwealth for Royal offspring and a longing to benefit from their wisdom and guidance” said Professor Walmington-Jones, Head of Research, “however, there are concerns that with the departure of Prince George and the loss of his moral leadership, the colonials will soon revert to their old habits of turpitude and fornication. With this new production method, no longer restricted by the admirable but limited output capacity of Kate’s reproductive tract, each former colony throughout the Commnwealth can have its very own Royal baby.”
Furthermore, we learned, each baby can be genetically tuned to the preferences of the local culture, with a Prince or Princess option and skin colour drawn from a chart of tasteful heritage shades by Farrow & Ball. There is already talk of a Prince Philip special edition with gratifyingly slitty eyes and five preprogrammed tribal dance modes.
The latest Royal is currently resting on a steel rack in the Highgrove laboratories, over shelves of jars containing the respectfully pickled remains of 200 prior failed attempts. Constitutional experts advise that in the event of a catastrophic Royal wipe-out leading to the baby taking succession, we could one day hear the joyful cry ‘Long live King CRWxQR(b)-201.’