The world's leading beverage-maker has bowed to pressure to ban the use of the mysterious chemical compound simply known as ‘H2O’. Nutritionists have long questioned what are the benefits to the consumer of high-fructose corn syrup, to have their ‘sugary buzz’ diluted by ‘a clammy molecule’ containing one oxygen and two hydrogen atoms? Future Cola Cans will contain a powdery substance which can simply be swallowed, injected or ‘snorted off the thighs of a comely wench’.
The removal of the liquid content of their product may prove controversial but market analysts have said there is already precedent with McDonalds removing all vitamins from their food during the 80s, the ‘banning of irony’ in US Foreign Policy and the Lib Dems removing ‘all soul’ from their manifesto during 2012-14. A Coca-Cola representative admitted: ‘I’ve heard so-called scientists claim that water is essential to life on Earth but it provides no calories or organic nutrients. The public want their caffeine and phosphoric acid served to them naturally. This watering down of a pure product is simply a waste of good caramel colour’.
Coca Cola is attributed with not just with the branding of a contoured bottle design but also with the contemporary image of Santa Claus as a jolly old man, in a red-and-white suit with blackened teeth and type-three diabetes. Having removed brominated vegetable oil (which is found in flame retardant) from their fizzy drink, an embargo on water (the ultimate flame retardant) is the next logical step. By 2025 more than half of the world’s population will be facing a water shortage, meaning the ‘share a coke’ slogan may not be feasible if they were to retain the moistened ingredient. Approximately one billion people still lack access to safe water, but fortunately no human being is ever more than fifty yards away from a soft drink vending machine.