[An attempted splicing of some of yesterday's brilliant subs on the subject]
Following a botched execution by lethal injection in Oklahoma and numerous stories of Death Row prisoners injected suffering ailments ranging from insomnia to waking up dead, the US is considering asking Britain for help in making the triple cocktail of drugs used in lethal injections safer.
Alternatives being considered include sending American executioners to study on ‘Shipman scholarships’ or simply outsourcing the whole process to Stafford Hospital. British doctors welcomed the decision, citing the long established tradition of trialling such drugs through the NHS ‘unless they are expensive’.
Murderer Clayton Lockett was seen to writhe and shake in agony during the execution and died of a heart attack shortly after an attempt was made to halt it. Critics immediately called for a moratorium on executions until something can be done to make them more humane. However, Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin said Lockett only had himself to blame.
‘His last meal was pizza with double pepperoni topping followed by a strawberry and custard dessert. Heck, it might have been impossible to kill him if he'd had double fries as well,’ Fallin said. ‘We encourage healthy living on Death Row, with our low-fat, low cholesterol canteen menus, just right for an inmate waiting fifteen years for a lethal dose of potassium chloride.’
For now, US states are determined to follow a great British tradition that prevailed until Victorian times by getting convicted murderers to execute each other. The first has already taken place in Texas, when Bubba-Joe Smith, who was sentenced to death for stealing an apple in 1975, was shot at point blank range in a mocked-up grocery store by an inmate known only as ‘Beast’
‘Since my trade was killin’ hitchikers, they figured I’d be good at this executin’ thang,’ said ‘Beast’ in a press release. ‘I gots lots of ideas to try, like drive-by executions in the prison yard. I’m quite creative so I’m hopin’ to explore more of the torturin’ side as that’s where my skills lie.’
[i]Madjez, Sydalg & Throngsman. Hat tips to Midfield Diamond, Titus and godly1966