The annual Below the Radar Nastiness Competition, contested by experts at sneaking unpleasantries into conversation, has been dramatically snatched back from the reigning champion.
I'm Not Being Funny Or Nuffink had held the title for only one year, after dramatically snatching it last year. Prior to that, the title had been dominated for two decades by I'm Only Having A Laugh, which has become a British institution for sneaky, underhand digs and unassertive but nasty attempts to hurt.
I'm Not Being Funny Or Nuffink did not hide his disappointment, and claimed that the competition was rigged. Foreigners, the powers that be and 'you know who I'm talking about' were blamed for the reversal.
However, I'm only Having A Laugh appeared (at first sight) to be gracious in victory, and poured endless doubled edged compliments on his opponent. For some reason, I'm Not Bieng Funny Or Nuffink, the deposed British Champion of Light Middleweight Insulting, became increasingly agitated, for reasons he was unable to articulate.
Witnesses said the fight, while it lasted, was not life threatening, with Not Being Funny Or Nuffink unable to land a decent punch, while I'm Only having A Laugh seemed well practised at dancing around his opponent while taunting him, in a masterful display of passive aggression.
[FUCK. HOW DO I END THIS? I'M OFF TO THE PUB. ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE FOX IS IN EC2? I HAVE TO GO THERE FOR A LEAVING DO.
Wait until you see the passive aggressive message I put on the leaving card.]