Important geo-political figures from the UN, amongst others, have expressed concern over the increasingly theocratic nature of the British government. David Cameron's proclamation that he wished Britain to be a 'Christian country' has been interpreted as a sign that he is preparing to further impose his fundamentalist beliefs about the natural order and the subservient role of women on British society. A Downing Street insider said yesterday, "We thought he'd be concerned that the balance of the cabinet had changed after Maria Miller went, but the PM just said, 'good riddance to the painted harlot and all her damnable kind'. Now he's making Theresa May make sure that her ankles are covered properly, 'lest we all be tempted to sin by her evil wiles'". Reports that this was to be enshrined into law for the whole of womenkind were denied, although the source claimed that the Liberal Democrats wouldn't let them do it unless they got a mansion tax in return.
Further fears were stoked by the promotion of Ian Duncan Smith to chief inquisitor, with full responsibility for ensuring the poor 'know their place'. Much of this will consist of placing spies in poor neighbourhoods to watch for 'blasphemous behaviour', which will be punished by burning at the stake. Said the source again, 'The definition of blasphemy is a bit tricky to follow, but it boils down to someone not having a job and not believing that it's their fault. IDS said that this was questioning the place that God had allotted for them as the lowest of the low, and such insolence should be punished'. Thumbscrews are being bought in to 'aid' the inquisition process, with George Osbourne cutting a special trade deal with China for the purpose. Particularly tough cases have been referred to Esther McVey, who is said to need no specialist equipment. When IDS was asked for comment, an aide said that he was currently unavailable, as he was leading the exorcism of a young woman possessed by demons, although it later transpired that she had epilepsy and had merely appealed against an ATOS decision against her.
International observers have condemned the moves, with the UN saying that 'theocratic states pose a danger to human rights and their irrationality affects the stability of the global economy.' However, fundamentalist Christians sympathetic to the hard-line policies defended them by pointing out that much the same could be said of the banking industry, with one lay-evangelist saying, 'So that's alright then. See?' In response to the moves, Tony Blair called a press conference, where he declared Britain a 'failed state' and called for an international coalition to be formed to impose regime change on 'these dangerous religious radicals'. When asked whether it made a difference to him that it was happening in his own country, he simply stood up and, in a shrill voice, cried, 'I want to see it burn, I want to see it burn', as he danced round the room, sweeping his arms around in time to the words before being led away by minders.
Repots that Samantha Cameron has been forced to give up work and wash nappies could 'neither be confirmed or denied', according to a government spokesman