Colin Barnett, premier-for-life of the very remote and extremely flat state of Western Australia, has today unveiled his government’s plans to protest against being excluded from the 2014 Royal Tour.
Fighting back tears, a poignant Barnett revealed how at first his government had planned a fascinating itinerary for the royal couple.
‘We had a tour of the biggest man-made hole in the ground up in our mining region,’ he said, ‘and then some fishing for a few days, and then a look at our shark-culling set-up which, by gee, isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds.’
When it was realised that the Royals wouldn’t be visiting the giant state, which locals always point out is forty or fifty times bigger than Britain – and with better weather, too – Barnett could only say that he was ‘emotionally destroyed’.
‘We even got rid of Troy Buswell,’ he said, referring to the former cabinet minister infamous for his chair-sniffing and bra strap-snapping antics, ‘and if that wouldn’t make Kate feel safe, well, what could?’ adding that, all the same, he wouldn’t blame anyone for wanting to ‘cop a feel’.
Now, in retaliation against the Royal snub, his government has issued a ban on the monthly container ship that brings vital food supplies to the hundreds of thousands of British immigrants who cluster in the north of the capital city, Perth. Staples such as Rickitt’s Pigfat Crisps and Winton-Stansbury’s Jellied Cod are at dangerously low levels, and many ‘poms’ have taken to eating Australian food instead. Hospitals report admission numbers rising by the day.
“Oh, aye,” said an elderly man on a Old Grunter Ale drip who didn’t want to be named, “it’s jest typical, innit? But one mustn’t grumble.”
The Palace was unable to make an official comment, apologising that Western Australia ‘wasn’t on any map that we have.’
Western Australia to boycott English foods in dramatic Royal Tour protest
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Colin Barnett, premier-for-life of the very remote and extremely flat state of Western Australia, has today unveiled his government’s plans to protest against being excluded from the 2014 Royal Tour.Posted 11 months ago #
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