In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Hypocrisy’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all Church-hating atheists who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Ex-Hitler Youth thug Joey Ratflinger – now promoted to the exalted position of Pope Benny, the German built-to-last Mk XVI ‘Uber Priester‘ pontiff model, has joined mounting Vatican criticism of unheralded raids by Belgian police on retired ranking Catholic clergy members and the Church Commission investigating alleged kiddie fiddling abuses, calling them "deplorable" – an act quite common with criminals wishing to cover up their felonious excesses and avoid further scandals – and hefty compensation pay-outs.
The home and cellars of the now-retired Brussels Archbishop Andre Cambrioleur de Merde, the head of the Belgian Bishops' Conference and former chief cleric at St Sodom’s Church of the Latter Day Catamites, was searched during the first stages of the police raid - with the prelate’s personal computer being seized as evidence after it was found to contain thousands of pornographic images (photographs) of naked juvenile choir boys submitting to perverted sexual acts, forced on them by their spiritual mentors (sic) – the Vatican’s Men in Black.
In a personal message to the Belgian bishops, Pope Benny expressed his solidarity "in this moment of sadness – now that your sins have been discovered and the shit is about to hit the fan big time – yet again.”
Magistrate Ghengis Le Twatt, the Belgian prosecutor overseeing the investigation, informed a reporter from the Shitstabbers Gazette, that the operation – code-named “Kunts in Cassocks” - concerned alleged "abuse of minors committed by a certain number of ranking Church figures comprising an elitist cabal of kiddie fiddlers.”
Several buildings were searched in raids targeting the retired archbishop and the tombs of two prelates - for evidence of necrophilia – while police in Faggotti, central Belgium, seized nearly 50,000 files relating to choir boys and other adolescent victims of paedophile abuse - plus a second computer from the offices of the Church Commission that was supposed to be investigating allegations of sex abuse by their priesthood - and not covering such up.
The ‘Paedo Plod Squad’ also turned over the Church's headquarters and the Brussels archdiocese at Fudgers, just north of the Belgian capital, seizing for forensic examination boxes of KY Jelly, ribbed ‘Anal Penetrator’ condoms and an assortment of bondage and related BD/SM equipment – all in ‘choirboy’ sizes.
Pope Benny's hypocritical condemnation of the raids came in a message of support to Brussels Archbishop Andre Cambrioleur de Merde, the head of the Belgian bishops' conference.
"I wish to express, dear brother in the Episcopate, as well as to all the Bishops of Belgium, my closeness and solidarity in this moment of sadness, in which, with certain surprising and deplorable methods - like not telling us first - searches were carried out before any and all evidence of abuse could be destroyed."
Hmmm, what a pity Big Bad Benny’s ‘moment of sadness’ wasn’t extended to the juvenile victims of the priesthood’s kiddie fiddling abuses that the Church has institutionally conspired to cover-up for ‘centuries’ – regardless of the fact that the Catholic Church in Belgium did apologised for its silence on abuse cases in the past once the scandal broke some months ago – going as far as to dispatch a ‘personal “Sorrygramme” to every choirboy forced into acts of fellatio or who had his sphincter stretched by one of the Church’s ordained sodomites.
On Saturday Vatican officials – mainly the ones with very short memories - compared the Belgian police raids and investigation into allegations of kiddie fidling abuse with the treatment of the Church under Soviet communist rule – seeming to overlook their own past history of witch and heretic burnings of the common peasant classes – or the existence of their abominable Inquisition.
Cardinal Wankio Tosspotti, the Vatican Secretary of State and founder of the Neapolitan Halitosis Club, apparently spit the dummy in a fit of apoplectic fury when informed the Belgian police had prevented the Church Commission bishops from leaving the building where they were meeting and confiscated their laptops and mobile telephones to prevent them communicating with their staff or with the Vatican until the raid was concluded – as is the normal modus operandi for police investigations into criminal syndicates promoting child sex abuse - such as the Catholic Church.
Cardinal Tosspotti - Pope Benny's number two in the Vatican hierarchy - further described the arrest and detention of priests as "serious and unbelievable" – plagiarising the original statement of condemnation issued by lawyers representing the child victims of sexual abuse by the priests that their care and spiritual education was entrusted to – as being "serious and unbelievable".
Were you ever buggered by one of the Vatican’s Men in Black? Did you belong to a Catholic Church choir? Could you hit soprano notes with a six-inch penis stuck up your jacksy? Do you think all priests should be ‘chemically castrated’ upon taking their vows to ensure celibacy and cut the cases of choirboy rapes?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a pederast-infested area and may contain traces of choirboy.
Thought for the day: Last week, Pope Benny appointed a freshly-emasculated Bishop of Bruges to replace Roger le Bardache - the longest serving bishop in Belgium who resigned in April after overwhelming evidence, plus personal testimonies from his victims, forced him to admit that he had been sexually abusing choirboys for decades.
Another thought for the day: Do you believe Jesus – or his Dad or Mary or any of the Holy Trinity – approve of Catholic priests buggering little choirboys – or the Vatican’s rug-munching dyke penguins abusing the convent’s postulants / novices?