Haha Sinnick, I'm more 'pint of cider and pub quiz' than anything else. The only "nightclub" here is in an outbuilding, and they charge £5 for the pleasure of going in, getting groped, and then sticking one's shoes to the postage stamp-sized dance floor. No thanks!
I really like it Wrenfoe, you've done what I couldn't and found a half decent angle. I'll have a go and add to it and see what you think:
Facebook outsourced to Neighbourhood Watch
With the social-media giant's market share set to contract over the next ten years, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been on the look out for a 'low tech, high revenue' solution to his insatiable 'curtain twitching' habit . Despite purchasing 96% of the entire internet, he has been forced to acknowledge that there are certain things it cannot do; such as 'keeping tabs on the toilet habits of Mrs Norris' cat', 'casting disapproving looks at foreigners' and 'making friends with the postmen, so you can cop a feel of everyone's parcels'.
The sole member of a prolific Neighbourhood Watch scheme in Rochdale, is up in arms about the plans. 'I've been doing this sort of bollocks for free for years,' claims 72 year-old Barry Warner, 'only with more elbow grease than this Mark chap. It's not easy at my age to kneel down and peer through letterboxes you know!'
This new strategy is in direct response to a 25% drop in Facebook's younger users which has been offset by an 80% surge in the over-55s. Mr. Zuckerburg plans to capitalize on this demographic shift by making use of these new 'grey surfers'. Examples of new features include easily shared 'vehicle logs', a passive aggressive message board, and the ability to name and shame litterers. Forecasts predict that 2015 will see profits grow sevenfold with the use of 'day time TV tracking', 'mobility scooter advertising' and 'Candy Crush Saga Cruises'.
Facebook is said to be unconcerned by the claims of digital agency iStrategylabs that losing a million US teenagers annually is symptomatic of a 'loss of relevance'. A spokeswoman said:'...if anything, the elderly are internet trend setters. Senior citizens have pounded the streets since the late 60s to plaster prominent lampposts in stickers - the very origin of the pop-up ad.'