As part of cost cutting measures, the Home Secretary announced plans to replace costly CCTV with portraits that give people the "willies" and make the ordinary public feel safer, in the knowledge that the eyes in the portrait are following their every movement.
Teresa May MP said, "The simple logic is, if criminals feel they are being watched all the time, then they won't do the crime."
Unbeknownst to shoppers in London's Oxford St, as part of a trial, CCTV cameras were replaced by copies of the Mona Lisa and the Laughing Cavalier. On the first day alone, the reported incidence of pickpocketing fell to zero. However, on day two, the reported number of incidents of Grafetti increased thousand fold, as people started using marker pens to draw glasses, goaty beards and scars on the portrait copies.
With the introduction of 'creepy' portraits on the streets, criminals and terrorists are starting to become technically 'savvy' to defeat this new innovation. By drawing "sunglasses" on the portraits, they have found that the sensation of being watched 'disappears'. One mugger said "At first I was freaked out knowing my every move was being watched. Now as long as my marker pen works, I can continue like I used to."
Also as part of this cost cutting measure, Police will be allowed to bug suspected terrorist's homes with empty yoghurt pots and lengths of string.