Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they 'don't make it too obvious' when they're defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.
At a press conference earlier today, a treasury spokesman confirmed that a 'gentlemen's bargain' had been struck, saying that 'Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated, backwards, misguided and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that's just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring to the fields of providing the appropriate number of trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really'. When confronted with the accusation that G4S were both criminal and useless, he went on to say, 'Well, that may be true, but being in the private sector, they offer the kind of dynamism, energy and entrepreneurial spirit required to defraud the public purse in the most cost-efficient way possible and, if a cover up is required, we have full confidence in their ability to keep us completely in the dark about just how much we've been shafted. Indeed, they've given their word on it. So that's all alright then'.
The 'gentlemen's agreement' is the latest in a long saga of agreements with private sector firms to rip of the government on the quiet and generally laugh at them behind their backs. The most recent of these culminated in an enormous party at which rich stockbrokers fell about pissing themselves after having made millions from advising the government to sell them cheap shares in Royal Mail 'because we said so'. Capita also recently had a good laugh over getting paid to do the new PIP assessments when they'd actually sat on their arses and let the government do it for them. When asked whether there were parallels betweens G4S and the Royal Mail debacle, the spokesman replied, 'No, of course not; far too many people found out about that. We prefer to compare it to quiet, ongoing scandals like PPI, when taxpayers can be defrauded month on month for many years without the man on the street really understanding what's going on in his name. Going forward, our position is clear; the private sector are there to get things right, even when they're venal, corrupt and incompetent. In fact especially when that's the case. It's the British way and if you don't like it, you're clearly a Marxist and a menace to the fabric of society'.
G4S CEO Ashley Almanza was unavailable for comment, as his office claimed that he was walking down Whitehall in a black and white hooped jersey, laughing demoniacally and carrying a large bag labeled 'Swag' over his shoulder. However, later reports claimed this to be erroneous and that in fact he was 'not doing anything like that, really. No, nothing like that at all.'