Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Three Lions – ‘England expects’ – or expected – what precisely when we dispatched this swaggering bunch of tossers off to the wilds of Zululand armed with a pair of shin pads and new boots to face the massed hordes of ferocious foreign savages – and led by some dodgy Italian bloke called Flabbio?
Well, for £100,000-plus per week when with their Premier League home teams we expected some sod who could kick straight, not hog the ball, and a goalie who could grab and keep hold of a ‘Jabulani’ a wee big better than Bob ‘Butterfingers’ Green.
Fer fuck’s sake, if that had been the Japanese team’s goalie he’d have hung his head in shame and committed ritual seppuku right there in the goal mouth – guts and intestines spread across the entire 18 yard penalty area.
So we commenced this tragedy of errors with the Yankee Colonial Cocksuckers drawing 1 -1, then ending up with a no-score draw against a bunch of goat-bonking Bedouins from Algeria.
Yep, Algeria – OMG it’s not so long ago that this lot first got into football and started off by kicking a grass-stuffed camel’s bladder round an oasis while England were the innovators of the sacred sport of soccer in 1863.
So, after 147 years of kicking a ball around our national team still can’t beat
Algeria’s Les Fennecs (Desert Foxes) – who only played their first international match in 1963 – a full hundred years behind England’s Finest.
Thankfully, and to ease the shame slightly, they managed a 1-0 win against Sloppy Slovenia’s gang of swan-roasting pikeys - only to end up as the tournament’s laughing stock down in Robertson’s Golly Land by getting thrashed 4-1 by our historical enemies – the Krauts.
What utter bollocks, if we can beat them twice – hands down - in two World Wars lasting 4 and 6 years respectively, surely we could have at least got an edge on them in a 90 minute contest of footsie dribbling skills.
God Almighty, what self-respecting soccer hooligan yobster or gobshite lager lout can hold his head up in the pub ever again after getting thrashed 4-1 by the Krauts – unless he’s toting the severed head of a Uruguayan referee?
So, what does the inquest into this fiasco conclude? Are the Three Lions team actually a bunch of over-rated (and definitely over-paid) tosspots and wankers – or did they simply have a collective blonde moment and ‘give up’ after Frank Lampost's dead cert’ goal was disallowed by Uruguayan referee Jorge Blindgit? Should Fifa President Septic Twatter be butt-fucked for not agreeing to the use of goal-line technology for the 2010 World Cup tournament?
Was having Flabbio Capello, the team’s 96-year old Wop manager, the reason for their ignominy – or was it just another contributing factor? Would England have been better with the Swediish sex maniac Sven Gore-Tex Ericsson still at the helm? Did the cacophony of the dreaded vuvulezas put the team off their stroke?
Or was it President Zuma’s ANC Kleptocracy Party Youth League firebrand leader Julius Malema invoking the marginalised and disaffected black peasants - who couldn’t even afford to watch the matches on telly – to “Kill all de Honkeys!”?
Do you think it serves the England team right they’ve got to catch a bus back from Cape Town as South African Airways have refused to fly such a bunch of losers.
To paraphrase Winnie Churchill’s speech regarding the debt owed to the Battle of Britain pilots.
“Never before in the history of soccer have eleven useless twats been paid so much to get their arses kicked by a bunch of dog-wanking foreign types and embarrass their home country to the point of fractured pride and head-hanging perpetual shame.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.