A global audience, set to be in the millions, will witness a lavish TV spectacle combining mediocre athletics, the smugness of Alex Salmond and a ‘much needed’ nuclear deterrent. Glasgow is already committed to demolishing its iconic Red Road flats for the Opening Ceremony but has now been given the ‘green light’ to unleash atomic devastation on the remains of the city, leaving nothing but a deep-fried mushroom cloud in its place.
In 1990 Glasgow was awarded European City of Culture, but since then (other than becoming the murder capital of Europe in 2003) it has been a slow decline into tartan obscurity. One city councillor said: ‘This explosion is really going to put Glasgow back on the map. In so far, as it will now show up at a large irradiated crater. It’s also an opportunity to replace all that Mackintosh Art Nouveau rubbish, with a radioactive ditch filled with salt and sauce’.
Over one thousand new hotel rooms have been built in Glasgow for the Commonwealth Games, all of which have been attached to their own nuclear bunker. The Games’ Artistic director (the man behind the slogan: ‘Pish! If the heart disease dinnae get ye, the black rain will!’) explained: ‘It’s a sort of play within a play. We are creating a post-apocalyptic wilderness full of unintelligible, pastey-faced zombies and asking the public to spot the difference.’
Commonwealth nations will be left in awe as a multitude of street performers will be engulfed in flames, with the remaining toxic sludge to be turned into Frankie Boyle’s next stand-up routine. One upbeat Glaswegian commented: ‘Nuclear winter? It cannae be worse than the real thing? And genetic mutation is the only way the Gers have a chance of beating the Hoops this season’. In the words of Albert Einstein ‘I don't know what kind of weapons will be used in the third world war but the fourth world war will be fought with a Glasgow kiss.’