David Cameron is reported to be “shitting himself” at the prospect of taking on UKIP leader Nigel Farage in political single combat as part of the BBC’s ‘Take Him Down’ series. In this week’s episode, in scenes reminiscent of Ridley Scott’s ‘Gladiator’, Farage tore Nick Clegg a fresh one and threw his lifeless head into a stunned studio audience.
Farage meets David Cameron in the semi finals next week. Downing Street insiders say that “weeping” has been heard late at night, and that the PM’s toilet smells of puke. His childhood bedwetting problems are also believed to have returned.
Cameron was a keen sportsman at Eton, where his ‘Sleeping Beauty’ was legendary. However, advanced wanking techniques are unlikely to protect him against the monstrous UKIP leader, who once ripped out a Frenchman’s still-beating heart with his bare hands, saying “sautee that, Frenchie”.
William Hague has been giving Cameron judo lessons, but he isn’t optimistic. “Look, I’ve only got a week to prepare this man to face the political equivalent of King Kong. Nigel Farage is a beast, a monster with the body of Mike Tyson and the intellect of Plato. Oh shit, I’ve just compared him to a black guy and a Greek. Nigel fucking hates the Greeks. Cross that out, don’t . . . no, you don’t understand, you can’t print that, I’m a dead man. A dead man walking. Please. Sweet Jesus, please don’t publish it”.
Despite Farage’s brute animal presence and celebrity status, most women surveyed said they still wouldn’t sleep with him.