Lesbian pornography performers have expressed 'horror and regret' that their work may have been used to titillate Charlie Brooks, the racehorse owner, Old Etonian and close friend of David Cameron. ‘I am usually proud of what I do as a living,’ said Belinda Smythe, who plays a prominent senior police officer in Sapphic Traffic Cops 4. ‘But then I heard my saucy all-girl romps may have been used to stimulate members of the Chipping Norton set. I couldn’t help imagining being watched silently by Mr Cameron, Jeremy Clarkson and Graham ‘Chipping’ Norton himself, all in the same airless room, and I felt regret then anger.’
Jemima Smith, star of Girls Just Wanna Have Girls 3 was also shocked at the idea her performance may have an effect on Conservative media strategy. ‘When I first heard that my dirty dykey DVD doings had hit the headlines, I thought it was acerbic media commentator and satirical late nite comedian Charlie Brooker who had availed himself of my girl-on-girl-no-holds-barred-naughty-but-nice action in full HD,’ Ms Smith wrote in her New Statesman column.
‘I didn’t have a problem with that,’ continued Jemima, speaking on the set of Big Girls’ Blouse 4. I am a huge fan of Charlie and his ‘Wetwipe’ show, and admire his brand of astringent soon-to-be-axed BBC 4 style humour. We actually use his brand of Wipe on set. Then I deduced it was my simple error as I had got hold of the wrong Charlie. In a funny way it was exactly like the plot of Dykey Detectives Do Doncaster – a classic case of mistaken identikit.
‘I realised that my pervy performances were allegedly being used to ease tensions in a hetero-style relationship of a sexual nature that was key to the media success of the Conservative Party. As a lifelong Liberal Democrat supporter with reservations about the Coalition, that was a more uncomfortable position than many I have been in professionally. My first impulse was to phone former disgraced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and involve her, as she has form in the porn-shame arena albeit on her husband's account allegedly. But I never, because I realised there might be a legal problem, like in the storyline of Sub Judice 2, (Legal Lesbian Legovers) in which I starred. And I tell you, those wigs they wear – they really itch.’