Homosexual couples are being encouraged to agree which one of them will gain two stone and lose their sex drive before committing to marriage. Following the legalisation of same-sex marriages, relationship charity Relate has been drawing up and issuing sets of guidelines for homosexual pre-marital agreements, based on their work with heterosexual couples. Some are already out and further additions are expected to be coming out soon.
Based on over 75 years’ experience, Relate has established that, unlike heterosexual marriages where individual behaviour is traditionally based on gender, gay couples need to agree who will wear the trousers. In fact Relate recommends that, following the wedding, one partner should choose the trousers for the other on the grounds that they haven’t got a clue about clothes, even though they may have managed to buy their own for many years before they met.
‘There are many things to be decided about roles in gay marriage that simply don’t require discussion in mixed-sex marriages,’ explained relationship counsellor Dr Fiona Harrison. ‘For example, which of the partners will remember the birthdays of all of their friends and relations to make up for the other one being so utterly useless at remembering such things?’
Relate plans to publish further guidelines to ensure gay marriages survive similar disagreements and rows to heterosexual ones. Squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end, unauthorised possession of the TV remote control and the garden being so much untidier than next door’s will all be covered, as will one partner secretly setting every clock in the house fast by five minutes to stop the other being late for everything.
Not everyone is appreciative of Relate’s advice however. Jeremy Hackett of gay rights campaign group Stonewall maintained, ‘Gay marriages will not suffer from the same old ‘marriage is not just a word, its a sentence’ mentality and Relate have got it wrong. After many years of campaigning for gay marriage to be recognised in the same way as heterosexual marriage, we demand the right of the gay community to be treated by Relate ... err ... differently.’