Noise pollution levels across parts of southern Britain are expected to reach a toxic level when the Leader of UKIP and the Deputy Prime Minister take to the airwaves on BBC Two at 19:00 BST. The Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs (Defra) has already issued a terse warning that the public should expect ‘adverse pomposity’, ‘contaminating hyperbole’ and inane anecdotes about ‘some Bulgarian they once met on holiday’.
The BBC debate, hosted by David Dimbleby, is expected to cause sore eyes and coughing as most viewers will have a natural desire to ‘swallow bleach’ and ‘poke their eyes out with a fork’. As for the live audience, they have been carefully selected by polling organisation ICM to reflect a cross section of an apathetic, suicidal and ‘terminally stupid’ population. Defra has a 10-point scale for measuring air quality - with 1 meaning a ‘low risk’ Miliband speech which ‘can easily be ignored’, to a 10 point Boris Johnson ‘s@$t storm of unintelligible twaddle’.
Among key talking points will be Nigel Farage clarifying why he told GQ magazine he ‘admired President Putin’ as a ruthless dictator but ‘not sexually’. In turn Nick Clegg, in favour of UK membership of the EU, will be trying to emphasize how much he has ‘enjoyed’ his three-year internship with the Coalition but ‘can’t wait’ to get back to working full-time at Tescos.
Earlier today, Mr. Farage was quick to blame the miasma emanating from his mouth on ‘dirty foreign dust’. While Mr. Clegg assured voters that ‘some of his best friends are Polish’. Clegg and Farage will be asked a variety of questions, all designed to address the topic of ‘Why am I so unelectable?’. TV producers confirmed that a ‘one minute’ response time will be ‘more than adequate’.