Was the Senator a wrinkled old retainer?
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From a cranky fat bird who spent several hours in premature labour last night
(73 posts) (24 voices)
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Quaz
offlineMemberSooooo, Mary. How's about I brew up a flask of coffee and make up a few rounds of sandwiches and throw in some chocolate bars? Seems like it's going to be looonnngg week, and you need to have provisions ready. When you finaly pop, you've got the number of the local if you need someone to shout at now you;ve killed Mr Mary.
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberSo you say, but naming it after him ensures that people like my (privately educated) husband have to ask other (state educated) people how to spell it.
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberOi!! Adrian. DON'T FUCKING SPEAK TO MY MATE STUNTS LIKE THAT YOU COCK!
SHE ASKED FUCKING NICELY, YOU WANKER. COCK OFF!(Ooh, that's very cathartic...)
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMemberWho asked you - you saggy titted Jeanette Krankie look-a-like? So, stop getting your tatty Tam O Shanter in a twist and mind your own fucking business, before I decide to show you how a Highland Fling should really be performed. Fucking Scotch, no bloody sense of humour!
(...and rest...ahh that’s much better thanks)
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberI'll FUCKING HAVE YOU FOR THAT YOU SOUTHERN SOFT AS SHITE SHANDY DRINKER!
YOU'LL BE SWILLING YOUR MERLOT THROUGH A FUCKING STRAW WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU!!!(It's the sense of calm and peace you're left with that's so moreish I find...)
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMemberYou and whose fucking army? Won’t be the Jacobites’, that’s for sure, as they’re still picking up their teeth from between the bloody heather on Culloden Moor. So, unless you want to join them, I suggest that you shove a sporran in your fucking gormless neeps and tatties hole. Otherwise, this hard as fuck Scrumpy drinking Southerner will toss a caber sideways, so far up your bracket, that we’ll be able to use you as a twunting weather vane.
(I know what you mean. Good job profanity isn't fattening eh?)
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberI'll do it single fucking handed cockweasel. And as for that sodding caber, you'll be so unused to having such a magnificent length of wood in your hand, you'll buggering well keel over. Knob.
(It's quite exhausting though. But in a good way.)
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMemberYou’ve just proved beyond a doubt that you don’t bollocking know what you’re ranting on about, you snivelling fuckwhippet. The simple minded locals caught sight of my caber when I went skinny dipping in Loch Ness a while back, and we all know what that led to. Mind you, I guess it would be difficult for you to correctly judge scale – what with you being in possession of such a cavernous fanny...fanny...fanny...fanny...fanny. Sorry, caught a bit of an echo there – would you mind crossing your legs for a change?
Anyway, bring it on, you budget Braveheart.
(Pheww, I could do with a drink. No pain, no gain though.)Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberMaz darling, how the devil are you? Did you have a punt? Anyway, excuse me one moment...
Listen twiglet dick, I heard that you like to take your holidays in one of those dinky little model villages, just so that your 'man'hood looks normal size. And as for my 'cavernous' hoo-haa, my lovely hubby has no complaints, but then again, he is 6'5" and all in proportion. If you know what I mean. My pet hamster is better endowed than you.
(It's almost like meditation, really.)And QorbeQ,
Assuming she's wearing some today, obviously.
Bloody VPL, the sales assistant promised that these ones wouldn't be obvious.Posted 2 years ago # -
Mary Evans
offlineMember(Oh Jen, no time for messing around on boats, but I did buy LMM2 the most divine ickle sundress. She's going to look sooo cute. Back in a jiff...)
...and another thing you jism-faced, wart-infested, syphilitic baboon... your girlfriend called. She said sex with you was like trying to find a cocktail sausage in a barrel. Although she admits that might be because she needs re-inflating...
(... but I just can't decide whether or not to buy the matching hat. It is simply gorgeous, but maybe a little too much? I so loathe excess.)
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMemberYou heard wrong fucktard! Actually, it’s my ginormous wang that makes the average hamlet look like a model in comparison. Anyway, I heard your hubby won’t go anywhere near you unless he’s got a plank strapped across his arse and the Glencoe Mountain Rescue on standby. That reminds me, the Dundee Potholing Club asked me to pass on a message to you. Unfortunately, they’ll be cancelling the coach trip to visit your flabby flaps. They’ve found an alternative venue that’s far cosier and doesn’t suffer from the same fishy syphilitic gusset custard issue – it’s called Wookey Hole!
And Maz, you can keep your dribbling nips out of it as well. It’s all very well trying to blame “the hormones”, but some of us have been around here long enough to know that you were a shagging psycho bitch queen from hell, well before some sicko took his life in his hands and stupidly knocked you up. Thankfully, the only good in you will soon be escaping the clutches of your skanky womb. Pity the poor love will still have to refer to a wizened crack whore as Mummy.
(The Waterside Inn by any chance? I hear the 3 stars are definitely merited.)
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMember(Oh Mary dear, I do apologise. I appear to have inadvertently cross posted insults there. So, so sorry. Now where was I?)
If only you’d stop gargling the rancid tramp jizz - while simultaneously trying to mainline Mr. Sheen – and instead paid a bit of attention, then you’d know that my gorgeous WIFE is absolutely sick to death of you calling. So she once bought a Big Issue off of you - that doesn’t mean she wants to be your friend!
She was just being nice and was hoping that, if she dropped 50p in to your half empty can of Tennants Super, then you’d simply move on. The stench was making her nauseous and was upsetting the stall holders at the fish market. And for your information, the only hissing sound my WIFE ever makes, is the contented sigh of a woman who’s just been right royally satisfied.
Now instead of fannying about on here, why don’t you go sober up and take a bath? Your putrid pants are starting to attract the Foxes and Flies.
Posted 2 years ago # -
rickwestwell
offlineMemberI used to enjoy a nice pint in the saloon bar of the Foxes and Flies, back in my Soho days...
Posted 2 years ago # -
allmyownstunts
offlineMemberO-kay, time for a grown-up. Can we leave the wang and cha-cha stuff to the giant pandas and call it an honourable draw? You're raining on my foul-mouthed tirade - I only wanted someone to say 'willy' so I could *chortle* but you had to go wide, didn't you people...
(or is it the funniest NB exchange for weeks? Five stars for 'budget Braveheart' - and a dunt in the face with a spade)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Mary Evans
offlineMember...er think you've got the wrong end of your pustule-coated minuscule stick, Ade. The 50p was what my husband paid your WIFE for 50 goes...
(It was the Waterside indeed! Can't recommend the crisp New Zealand Sauvignon highly enough. Simply heaven on a warm summer's day.)
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberNow ladies, don't you two start on each other.
Adrian is a much better target for your ire.Well, I suppose the matchstick dicked, warthog's arse boil had to have some purpose.
Posted 2 years ago # -
AdrianJ
offlineMemberWell hubble my bubble, there’s bound to be trouble - now that the trio of fetid hags has convened!
(or is it the funniest NB exchange for weeks? Five stars for 'budget Braveheart' - and a dunt in the face with a spade)
Jen earned that nickname after being arrested for painting herself blue, standing naked on the ramparts of Edinburgh Castle wielding an extra large bin liner - like some grotesque Smurf/Gargoyle hybrid - and loudly declaring, “you can take my lice, but you’ll never take my Femidom.”
Posted 2 years ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberLook, you foetid mound of something unpleasant that the cat brought up, ate again, then barfed up again, get your fucking facts right. I am Scottish, which means that I DON'T HAVE TO PAINT MYSELF BLUE. As every half-brained amoeba knows, blue is the natural colouring of true Scots. We have to turn white before we can even think about going that painful lobster red that you poofters in the south aim for.
And it's far too cold for lice to survive for longer than a few seconds. Fucking know-nothing.
(Hmmm, perhaps best not done on a full stomach. It's not nearly as restful.
Mind you, it's a lovely night, so pleasant to be able to sit outside of an evening.)Posted 2 years ago #
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